A Loveless FanFic: Seimei X Ritsuka (Yaoi/Shonen Ai)
Im sitting here on the navy blue linen sheets of my brothers bed, holding one of his head pillows with me while starring at the grandfather clock perched upon a half-empty book shelf. Seimei told me that hed be arriving at around 6:00, but its already past 7:15. Im really worried. For the past hour and a half, Ive been calling his cell phone and sending text messages but hes neither answered nor replied. Im pretty sure I remember him telling me that he would keep his phone on at all times. If I needed to tell him something important, he promised to respond as soon as possible. Not that I doubt his guarantee, but Im beginning to wonder if he remembered to charge it right before leaving. Ive tried contacting my friends, but they told they hadnt seen him. Yuiko said that she thought she saw Seimei pass by near her house with Soubi. But other than that she didnt know anything else.
Depressive anticipation of what could have happened to him runs through my mind, sending shivers all over my body. I begin having hallucinations of my brothers corpse lying on the cold, hard ground, a pool of expanding crimson underneath his lifeless body. Specks of water escape my eyes and slide down my cheek. I hug myself, hoping that what I'm imagining is nothing more than a very bad dream. I shake my head and dry the tears with my shirt. Nothing good would come out of sobbing and assuming the worst possibilities, so I decide to calm down and clear my head.
I recall Seimei giving me precise instructions to remain in his room for the duration of his absence, as he did not wish for me to be within the vicinity of my mother. Were also both well aware of our moms condition. Whenever I am near her, there is usually a high chance that she will go ballistic. Of course, Seimei would regularly be there and try to shield me from her blows. Although sometimes she still manages to get to me when Seimei isnt around. Every time I ask him about her mind state, his answer is one that is always accompanied by comforting assurance.
Relax Ritsuka. Its ok. Its not your fault. he would always say. Because of his sympathetic attitude towards me, I keep finding myself not to press on the topic any further whenever he gives me this kind of answer.
With a charismatic persona like his, who wouldnt fall for whatever he says? In any case, I have no intention whatsoever to disobey Seimeis request. What if he suddenly came home while I was out looking for him? He definitely wouldnt like that and Id only cause him more pain by adding myself to his long list of burdens. As much as I would like to help him, and once in a while I do offer my assistance, Seimei just smiles at me and politely refuses every single time. Sometimes I feel as if hes always hiding something behind that irresistible smirk of his. Im aware that he just wants to protect me from anything bad, but he doent appear to realize that by keeping all his troubles to himself he hurts us both. If only he was more open with his real intentions and feelings then perhaps he wouldnt half to continue carrying so much weight on his shoulders.
I risk another glance at the clock. It says 8:45. God, I must be so lonely and desperate that Id be talkin to myself for about an hour and a half. Now that I think about it, it would be kinda embarrassing if anyone found out, especially if that person happened to be Soubi, or worse, Seimei himself. Im afraid theyll laugh at me for being to in-deep with my emotions. Im not really sure as to what I should do right about no. Im guessing that Seimei wouldnt like to see me bored or depressed but I cant help sulking when hes not around. I take out and iPod from my right side pocket then I put on the earphones and press a button.
Ironically, the first song I hear is Talkin 2 Myself by Ayumi Hamasaki, one of my favorite musical artists. As I listen to the lyrics, I find myself lost in the fiery passion of her vocals. Even more so because this particular song talks about her internal thoughts about the negative aspects of her life in a philosophical manner. Strangely enough, I happen to believe that Seimei can resonate with this song since Ive born witness to some moments in his life in which he shows a different side to himself because something bad happened. Its always a terrifying sight to behold and I get scared of him when he shows his bad side like that. It seems that he becomes a completely different person and not the Seimei I know. Its because of these experiences Ive had with my older brother that have made me even more sympathetic to his enigmatic nature even when were apart.
Talkin' 2 Myself:
[The reality always makes us run for nothing
But look! Your own answer is hiding in it
If you have an unsatisfied feeling
That's what you made by your hands]
But seeing as to how I dont want to darken the mood in the atmosphere with bleak thoughts of austere depressiveness, I change the track for a lighter and happier tune. The melody the song starts off with a slow yet steady rhythm of a playing piano. The music is hypnotically magnificent, spellbinding in such a way that I feel lulled into an anecdote of romantic reverie. Later on, the music is joined in by Ayus timeless vocals. I always seem to find her music so emotionally and mentally alluring, though I cant really seem to explain how or why I feel this way. Jewel must really be a literal, as well as mental, term established in the meaning of the song, especially since she writes her own lyrics with pure emotional honesty. Swarovski crystals and diamonds, even the accessories that she wore are provided by that very brand, make up a majority of the props alone. But the one article of fashion that I loved the most in that music video of hers was the long white coat with the feathered hood. For most people it would be just a form of fashion to be used to protect humans from the bitter cold of the seasons primarily in the winter, but when I saw her in the outfit then I immediately thought that there was another meaning to it, something more despite being hidden in a magnificent frontage.
[Breathing calmly, I looked at you
Who had fallen asleep, so exhausted
The sweet, unprotected profile
That no one in the world but me knows]
Speaking of that particular coat, I suddenly remember a time when I was at the table with my older brother during dinner time. I think this happened around two years ago. Mom wasnt home at that time and neither was Dad so I was alone with Seimei at that time. My 13th birthday was coming up in a few days and I was really exited.
Ristsuka. my brother said.
What would you like for your birthday? he asked gently with a smile, sharp eyes locked onto on me. The food I was about to eat never reached my mouth and I put the spoon down and started thinking. What did I want for my birthday? I never really gave it much thought because I was too focused on what exiting surprises awaited me on the day of the event.
Im not sure Seimei . . . I replied. Then it finally dawned on me. I didnt have to be so selective, whatever Seimei would offer me would be good enough. I should have remembered to keep that in mind. Maybe you can decide for me. Thats right. Anything you give me will be perfect! I said with enthusiasm.
Seimei laughed softly to himself. Are you sure Ritsuka? Anything that I give you will be something that you will love? he asked with a smirk.
I was slightly irritated. Seimei! Why do you say that? Of course anything will do.
As much as I loved him, I just hated it whenever he tested me like this. It always made me feel guilty that I wasnt doing as much as I should to show Seimei how much I loved him. Still, I kept my cool and remained calm.
All right then. he said it with a smirk.
When my birthday finally came, I was enjoying myself. I never had a birthday celebration like this before. Of course nothing too flashy, but something simple. Most of my closest friends were there, including Yayoi, Yuiko, Soubi and even some of Seimeis strange colleges. I didnt even know who those group of people were that Seimei worked with. One of them was dressed in a Gothic Lolita/ French Maid style outfit and had two boys standing on either side of her. Still another one was a blond haired girl wearing spectacles and a strapping white corporate uniform. But it was the tall man draped in a black that captured my attention. He was almost as tall as Seimei and had an enigmatic persona about him. He also looked a little bit like Soubi. Yet they still gave me a gift all the same like my other friends did.
After a few party games plus the always-enjoyable unwrapping of presents, and I had a lot of fun doing so when making random facial expressions while tearing off the wrapping paper, it was finally time to blow the candles. The cake itself was of sweet cherry flavoring layered on top of cookies and cream with fudge brownie all over. At least thats what I think its made of. There was a bit of whip cream and chocolate writing on it, it said:
Happy 13th Birthday Ritsuka!
There were also illustrations of butterflies and flowers around the lettering. My eyes widened out of surprise. I was fully aware that Seimei had written this himself, seeing as to how we both have the same handwriting style as well. But I didnt expect him to do it so perfectly, on sweets no less!
Well Ritsuka, make a wish. Semei said. I obeyed, then closed my eyes for a few seconds thinking of my whole family together then blew at the candle. When the flame turned into smoke, everyone around me cheered and began putting their fingers on the cake to get a taste of the icing. I smiled and ate along with them. It was my birthday and I was having a lot of fun, just the way I should be as Seimei told me earlier.
Later that night, after the party was over and everyone had left, Seimei visited my room. Politely knocking first before entering, he came inside with that usual smile on his face. I could never seem to be not entranced by that grin of his.
Ritsuka, he politely said. Did you enjoy your birthday celebration?
Yes I did, Seimei. Thank you so much for today. I said happily. It was true of course, that without Seimei this day wouldnt have been possible. He made all the arrangements, sent out the invitations and set up everything else in the venue. I was so grateful to him for everything hed done. Of course I took into account that Yuiko was the one who made the really weird cake while Seimei told me it was Soubi who had done the illustrations on that delicacy.
Thats good. and with that he smiled.
Semei, thank you so much for the gift you gave me.
Your welcome Ritsuka, so how do you find the coat?
I love it! The texture of the fabric is so soft and just fun to touch. But how did you find out that this is what I would love to wear? Im sure I didnt tell anyone. I grasped the remarkable fabric of white and feathers, but not tightly so as not to ruin its unique quality.
Thats because Ive seen you alone in your bedroom several times watching music videos of your favorite artist on your TV.
What!? Seimei! But
but Ive never saw nor heard you pass by my room before without knocking.
Your door was left slightly open.
But I closed it!
Maybe you forgot.
Ok, maybe I did but how did you know precisely which article I was most interested in? I persisted.
But then, without warning, Seimei picked me up and sat me on my bed. He knelt on both knees in front of me, but even with this drop of his height I was still shorter than him, and looked at me in the eyes. Ritsuka, you ask too many questions. I know its your birthday but Im going to half to ask you to just unwind yourself.
Huh? what was Seimei talking about? Does he mean to take my clothes off?
You naughty boy. I mean for you to calm down. he chortled. Oh darn, he practically read my mind. Am I always this conventional in his eyes?
Oh ok. I smiled and blushed. In any case, I always enjoy it whenever Seimei gives me a bath or dresses me up. I feel so much better when hes around.
Before I knew it, Seimei pushed his head forward and kissed me softly on the lips. I was caught by surprise, I never expected him to do anything like this at all. As he withdrew those luscious lips of his, I noticed that I couldnt focus well on his image, even though he was right in front of me.
Seimei . . .
Ritsuka. he said with that angelic smile of his.
What did you just-? I started to say but he cut in.
Ritsuka, he began with that charming voice of his I love you very much. And no matter what people think, I still love you. You are the most precious thing to me right now, and I would do anything just to make you happy. I thought hard about what I was going to give you for your birthday, and since youre a little older now I wanted you to understand the meaning of what love is. Love is something that involves you giving your time and doing what you comfort he person you love. You have to make sacrifices in certain times of your life for that someone. Thats what I always do for you Ritsuka. Do you understand?
Yes. I replied, never taking my eyes off him even as my emotions ran astir inside of me.
All right. he then got up from his sitting position and proceeded to walk toward the door.
Seimei! I said loudly.
He stopped then turned around. Yes?
I love you too! Tears strolled down my cheeks as I said those words, but I wasnt sure why. Seimei noticed them; he went back to me and wrapped my body in a loving embrace. I could feel his hands grasp the fabric of my new coat.
I know Ritsuka, I know.
I rest my head on his shoulder feeling safe and secure.
And so that was the time that Seimei made me feel what love really is. Or perhaps I am exagerrating. Nonetheless, it is a memory which I deem worth preserving. When I think about it, it makes me laugh to know that I was being dramatic over something so simple yet passionate. But heres another thing about Seimei. I love him so much that Im treating him like a prince while he treats me like a princess, Im wondering whether or not if thats whats also on his mind when were together. But nowadays Seimeis absences from the house are longer. I keep asking myself if he loves me just as much as he used to.
What am I thinking? Of course Seimei still loves me! I shouldnt doubt that at all. Hes been doing so much for me that he barely has time for himself anymore. Damn Ayu for having such beautifully honest lyrics, I cant seem to stop myself from being overly dramatic about my feelings.
One more look at the grandfather clock tells me its 9:30. Brother must be busy with something very important or hes just lengthening his free time. Either way I dont blame him. He can take as long as he likes because I sometimes feel that freedom is restricted because his responsibility as an older brother to take care of his younger brother might be putting a stain on him. This makes me feel bad, I wish there was something I could do. While Im waiting for Seimei, I can probably make a gift for him like a card or an art sketch or maybe even a long poem. But then again, knowing my brother well enough, Seimei would most likely just say thank you and set them aside. Obviously he would know how predictable I can be when it comes to trivial things such as these. I should slap myself for being so stupid. Im basically like an open book that my brother can read anytime. Ive got to think of something more creative than that. Something that Seimei wouldnt expect.
I pace around, anxiously waiting for his arrival. I open the door of his bedroom and peek outside. The hallway is empty. The original red and black ornamental carpet that Seimei imported from the Philippines almost nine years ago stretches from across the end of the corridor all the way to the bottom of the staircase. Despite having collected dust and dirt over and underneath its silk-like fabric in those many years, it has never once shown any sign of withering. All the threads remains attached together, not one strand has ever snapped while every color in the texture of the material has never grown faint. The pattern on the textile, each wisp elegantly interlocked with another, remains as brightly perceptible as it was when Seimei first bought it.
Im not really sure why but I remember him telling me that it was a present for Mom who was crying one day. Apparently a burglar had broken into the house and made of with some of her ancestral heirlooms. Like the vase painted with cherry blossoms and a purple phoenix statuette her mother previously owned among other pieces of furniture that were passed down from generation to generation. My brother was abroad at that time, in the place that I just mentioned. Of course Dad worked tirelessly with the police to find the culprit. After a few weeks, they finally caught him standing outside a 7-11 outlet, arrested and held him on trial for theft. He was finally sentenced to several months in prison; however, they were unable to recover the stolen items since he had already sold them in an auction 3 days after the robbery and his clients were people whose contacts he never bothered to get. This further saddened my mother and left her in a state of depression.
When Seimei finally returned from his trip and found out about this, he was angry. I could tell from his facial expressions. I thought he was going to do something reckless, so I asked him not to do anything bad. My mom always told me that just because someone does something bad to you, it does not mean you should strike back. But then Seimei asked me if just standing by and let people hurt you was the right thing to do. I said nothing, knowing full well how right he was. The next day after that, I heard on the news that the criminal who my dad worked so hard to capture was dead. I was scared and began to cry. I felt scared of Seimei, my body was shaking. Later when he came home, I saw that Soubi was with him. They were both carrying large items and furnishings that seemed so familiar. When my mom saw this she began to cry. Afterwards she hugged Seimei and Soubi as well. I was looking in awe. It was then I realized that my older brother had gone through the trouble of searching for my moms precious possessions. She was thanking Seimei when he gave her another surprise. A long carpet of high quality that he bought from regional natives back in a South East Asian country. When my Mom saw this, she let out a soft laugh.
Would you care to explain anything, Seimei? she said with a smile while her arms were crossed.
Why Mother, is it illegal for a son to give his own parent a gift? joked Seimei. She only smiled at him for a few moments then bade us all into the house where we would eat a special dinner to celebrate the return of her possessions.
Later in the evening, I crept into Seimeis room. He looked tired, and I felt an immediate pang of sympathy for him.
Brother, are you ok? I asked in an apprehensive tone.
Ritsuka, what are you doing here?
I . . . I began to say but faltered. Seimei stood up from his bed and gave me a big hug.
Ritsuka, I love you.
Seimei, I love you too. I replied. Without any admonition, I felt his fingers creep around my body. Lightly poking at my soft skin.
Seimei! Please stop that! It tickles I pleaded with him but he paid my words no mind. Slowly he began touching my whole body with those lean fingers of his.
Ritsuka . . . he started to say then kissed my lips. I sensed that he was planning something but I couldnt focus because I then felt his body heat radiate all around me, keeping me down. We parted our mouths and looked at each other.
Yes Ritsuka, Im okay. He finally answered my question. I was glad.Do you wish to sleep with me tonight? he asked.
I looked at him with a perplexed look.Uhm, okay. I said reluctantly while blushing. I went to his bed and lay my head down beside his. He tucked me with his blanket and minutes later I began dozing off with the knowledge that Seimei would watch over me as I slept.
I look outside once more and take a peak; at the bottom of the staircase is my unfortunate mother. Her shaking hands grasp the handrails as if it were a life support buoy. I feel sad for her but up until now I am unable to help with whatever is causing her so much pain. Nowadays its only whenever Seimeis around that its safe to have this womans eyes on me. However, it doesnt work out that way all the time. I think its because of a medical and mental condition that she has. And even though shes hurt me so many times I still love her almost the same way as my brother. Every time she cracks up, hes always there to protect me, turning his body into a shield and doing his best to take all the damage while Dad tries to restrain her. Its not the physical injuries that hurt me, rather, its what she says about me not being her Ritsuka. But even if I dont understand, I still love her as my mother because she was the one who gave birth to me and did her best to raise me so that I could have a wonderful life. Despite that dream being only half complete, I am grateful to her for everything.
I go back to the bed and lie down on my back, thinking of what else to do while Im waiting. Although, Im starting to feel a little bit tired right about now. My original plan was to stay awake until Seimei returns, but maybe taking a short nap wouldnt be such a bad idea.
Besides, Ill be able to force myself to wake up before he gets back.
Right before I shut my eyes, I sneak a last minute peek at the clock once more to find the current time being 9:55. I hope Seimei gets home soon. This house just feels so empty when he isnt around.
I unintentionally wake up to the tugging of my body at the hands of someone else. Who could this be? At this time of the night no less. I look up to see the handsome face of my older brother smiling at me.
Seimei! I scream out of joy as I hug him as tight as I can. We both fall to the floor as Seimei is caught of guard by my sudden embrace.
Whoa! Ritsuka. Your practically pinning me to the floor, you know. he says with a chuckle.
Quickly I realize what he means. Hes lying on the floor as I sit atop his body with my legs spread out on both sides. My cheeks immediately a shade of pink. I never expected my self to get caught this way, much less end up in this position.
Sorry Seimei. I say then detached myself from my brother and helped him up.
Thats all right. Anyway what are you doing up this late? Its already 10:00, your curfew was 9:00 remember? he tells me while crossing his arms and lightly tapping his foot.
Well, you see, I begin Ive been waiting for you Seimei. You told me that youd be back by 6:00 but you werent. I got worried so I tried calling your phone and I also sent several messages but I never got a response. I though something bad might have happened to you so . . . I cant seem to finish my sentence because I can hear myself sobbing. I immediately think that I did something wrong.
What I didnt notice was that Seimeis eyes were wide with shock. He grabs me so fast I dont have time to think and wraps me in his arms. I feel surprised and take a look at Seimei.
Ritsuka, are you telling me that youve been waiting in my room for the past four hours? he asks me with worry.
Well yeah, sort of. Why is tha- but he cuts me off.
Im so sorry Ritsuka. Im so sorry. I didnt mean for you to waste your time by waiting for me. I never intended to leave you by yourself longer than I promised. he solemly tells me so.
I gaze into his face, noticing the presence of a depressed expression. I wipe away my tears and those of his as well.
Its ok Seimei. I respond in an attempt to cheer him up. Its not your fault. Im sure that you just had something very important to do.
You mean your ok with it? he kneels down as he says it and looks down at my face with his slanted eyes. Even in this position Im still shorter than him.
Of course. Besides, since your always taking care of me, you might wanna get a hobby in case your getting bored.
Oh Ritsuka. he sighed Taking care of you is my hobby.
He then takes my hand and kisses it while saying Ritsuka I love you.
I know. I say with a smile. We then lock our lips together, I can feel his tongue eagerly exploring my mouth as well as my tail going up. A tingling sensation crawls over my bodyas this is happening. We break it off after several seconds but remain with each other.
Cmon, lets get you to sleep.
But where Seimei? I ask in the hopes he will give me the answer I want.
Here in my room of course. I cant allow you to go back to your room with Mom out there at this time now can I? Besides, I prefer it if you slept with me. It brings more life to this room.
I smile with a rush of calming emotions inside of me. Yes , Seimei. I immediately jump onto his bed and snuggle myself beside him the moment he lies down. He puts an arm around me as I turn to face him.
Its 10:20 already, I think we should go to sleep right now.
All right, good night Seimei.
Good night my little Ritsuka. Sweet dreams. he whispers to me as he kisses my forehead. While Seimei cuddles me like a teddy bear, his body, like always, feels so warm. I smile at the thought as my mind slowly wanders into a realm of imaginary desire.